Helping mums find their spark again is truly one of the greatest things about my job as a motherhood coach. It’s a gift that I get to work with women everyday, helping them to reconnect with themselves, reclaim their voice and get clear on their purpose.
That doesn’t mean it’s easy. Finding your spark in those times when you feel flat and like you’re just going through the motions each day with no sense of purpose, is hard.
If you’re feeling like that now or can relate to that feeling, this one’s for you.
But first, l want to be clear that this is a spectrum. The reasons and events that lead to someone losing their spark can obviously vary greatly from person to person.
It can be caused by experiencing a traumatic event or illness or dealing with some other significant challenge in life where you can feel downright awful, confused, lost, lacking in confidence, and merely surviving day to day.
Other times, it could be a small thing, a little niggle in the back of your mind that you know if you just tweak something, get more sleep or go for a brisk walk, you’ll be back firing on all cylinders again.
Regardless of where you find yourself on that spectrum, the most important thing is having the tools to move through the darkness and reignite your inner spark so you can burn bright again.
I want you to picture in your mind’s eye…
The beautiful flickering flames of a cosy campfire. This campfire represents your inner light. The true you when you’re at your best and feeling most yourself. You without the shoulds or other people’s expectations. You when you’re doing what you love most, tapping into your innate creativity and unique gifts.
Now imagine there’s a bucket of water being slowly poured onto those flames. Your campfire is slowly being snuffed out through lack of oxygen. This can feel distressing, confusing and downright unfair.
And whether your inner light feels like a bonfire that’s kicking goals and thriving or like a small and smouldering ember that’s about to go out, I want to reassure you that your flame never goes out. It’s always there, flickering deep within you.
Maybe you’ve lost your spark because you used to know what lit you up, and now you’re not so sure how that thing fits into your life or if it’s what you even want anymore.
Here are 3 ways to relocate and reignite your inner spark:
1. Ask the hard questions
This is probably the hardest strategy and the one that will challenge you the most so let’s tackle this one first.
This is not about having hard conversations with others (that’s a whole other post), this is about asking the hard questions of yourself when you’re feeling lost, flat or detached from your current reality.
Find a quiet moment to sit down with a piece of paper and jot down how you’re feeling. Start by writing, ‘I am feeling’ and once you’ve identified the feeling, write underneath why you are feeling that particular way.
So for example;
I am feeling _____ and the reason for that is because
I’m not getting enough sleep
My partner gets to walk out the door easily, but I can’t
I gave up what I wanted to do so we could do X, Y, Z
My body is changing and I don’t feel comfortable in my own skin
I no longer have to go into the office job I hated
The house looks and feels like a bombsite
My baby is growing up way too fast
Remember, when you’re doing this exercise not everything has to be doom and gloom. You can have positive and negative emotions. All of your emotions are valid. Don’t be too hard on yourself. Show yourself as much compassion as you would a friend.
I promise, if you give yourself space to do this, and actually get your true feelings down on paper, you’ll be amazed at what comes out. The clarity it gives you and the realisation of how much you’ve been holding onto without even realising.
This is a simple exercise that will give you immense perspective into what’s going on, what you can let go of, what can be easily fixed or changed, what needs more work, where you need to focus more of your energy.
It can help to have some accountability with this step, too. You can do this with a friend, a loved one, a therapist or a coach.
Emotions are meant to be expressed, not suppressed, so getting it out on paper is a really simple, yet powerful first step to getting your spark back.
- Reconnect with your gifts
What truly lights you up? I’m gonna hazard a guess that somewhere on your page of how you’re feeling, there’s a need or a want that isn’t being met. That something you are passionate about has been put to the side.
It may be a need for space, for more creativity, to be recognised for who you are, to use your talents and gifts in a bigger way. Some of them you may be aware of and some you may not be — yet. But they are there, waiting to be tapped.
So to find or reconnect with your gifts, ask yourself:
What do I love?
What am I really good at?
What did I love to do as a child?
What could I do all day that wouldn’t feel like work?
What brings me joy?
What would I get out of bed and do every day with excitement?
The answer to these questions will be the things that are wanting to be integrated in or back into your life. Having a purpose in life gives us hope, it keeps us moving in a positive direction with energy, vigour and excitement.
So those things you love doing and that come easily to you? Reconnect with them and think about how you can bring more of them into your world. It’s no coincidence that they are things you love and are good at. These are your gifts so put some time into thinking about how you can bring more of that back into your days.
- Find the courage to take a step
It’s a toss up whether this strategy is harder than the first one or maybe they’re on par, or maybe it’ll be different for everyone! Regardless of how you feel about this strategy, the trick is not to stay feeling like you’ve lost your spark because every day is too precious not to share your gifts with the world, not to feel good, not to feel like you don’t have meaning or a purpose.
There’s a quote by Maya Angelou that I have up in my office:
Nothing can dim the light that shines from within.
This one little line underpins all of my work — how can I bring the oxygen and fan the flame to help beautiful mums get their bonfire burning bright again.
To lose your spark in motherhood, can feel like you’ve turned your back and started walking away from the campfire without a flashlight. You get further away from your true self and more into your not self.
Everything seems darker, colder, harder. It’s lonely and scary and easy to trip over even the small bumps in your path. Your fight or flight system gets activated.
Finding your spark again feels like walking back to your campfire. You couldn’t see the flames when your back was turned, when you were busy mothering, focused on everyone else’s needs, you may not have been able to feel your inner glow but how warming to realise, it was there all along.
Our campfires will always guide us home to ourselves. It may take some time, it may take a bit of fumbling around in the dark to get back there again, we just have to keep turning towards it.
And it’s ok to admit we might need help doing that. There’s been many times when I’ve questioned, ‘where the heck is this village I’m supposed to have?’
And maybe you have, too?
We were never meant to walk alone to and through motherhood
And this is exactly why I created Glow, a motherhood immersion.
Yes, we talk about our families, but Glow is more about nourishing YOU.
Because as I’ve come to realise, she who does the holding also needs to be held.
Glow is a monthly membership that includes personal growth and community support. It’s a space where you’ll feel held, connected, supported and nourished to glow in motherhood from the inside out.
You can join anytime.
If you’re ready to find your spark again…
Make the decision today and say, I’m so happy and grateful now that I have my spark back. Use that as an affirmation (even if you don’t quite believe it right now and you have to talk yourself into it, even if you have to “fake it till you make it”!).
Be sure to communicate what you need with the people around you. If you’ve identified any breakthroughs or shifts in mindset as you’ve gone through the steps, share your insights with your family or friends so they can honour this with you and for you.
If you’ve loved this post, please leave me a comment below and share with other mums in your life. If you are on the journey of motherhood, ready to reconnect with who you are, find your spark again and shine bright, you can join my Glow community and then, head over to Instagram and Facebook to connect with me there.
Benita xo
